Matricher Falls

A Film. A Dream. A Promising Ride on the Gravy Train.

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When a burned-out sketch comedy director agrees to return to a black-box theater to give a new sketch show, Orange Little Lies, a reluctant chance, she runs into the same problem she did with the prior show (Orange is the New Orange), a show that skated on the edge of disaster during its entire six-week run. Her small group of returning actresses can’t remember their lines; they can’t act and they’re not funny.   

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During an introductory table read she quits.  

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In the process, she instructs the three actresses to leave, pointing to the exit. Instead, they head in the other direction: Backstage. She soon learns that one of the cast members, Cassie, has a secret. It seems one of the conveyor-belt tech directors had been secretly taping the goings on backstage and onstage. He talked her into leaving the hidden surveillance devices in the closet and not bringing attention to the hidden cameras, in exchange for using his secret captured footage to make her an “actor’s reel.” Once the tapes were returned to him, he says (Bernie) he then planned to find something incriminating on them. He would then use that suitable content as grounds for a lawsuit against the director and the theater.  

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An argument ensues between Maynard, Mitch, and Cherie and the three “Lie’s” actresses, Greta, Estella, and Cassie. 

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The entire group makes a dash for the costume closet backstage where Cassie had, a moment ago, confessed that that is where the “evidence” lay hidden.  

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With everyone’s hands on the equipment, literally, a major scuffle takes place. A huddle with Mitch, Maynard, and Cherie spawns a strategy, while the “girls” plan theirs. The three head for a quiet huddle in the kitchen, while the girls convene at the closet door entrance. Both sides discuss how they would have to share the spoils. While the director and her supporters had taken physical possession of the equipment, the conniving actresses had the password—the key to opening and accessing the cameras’ “assets.”  

During the whispered huddle, Mitch suggests they make a “doc-a-mentry” of the footage. All three agree they could sell it at a film festival where they would undoubtedly sell it for a lot of money. 

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They are eager to negotiate. 

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Back at the entrance to the closet, the two groups agree to meet the following morning.  

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Via video conference, Cassie brings along her arrogant talent manager, Kyle Jennings. Yes, the same Kyle Jennings tech director who the director fired toward the end of the “Orange Is the New Orange” production fiasco. With him on standby onscreen, Cassie lays out her six-point deal memo: 1) the addition of on-camera cameos, 2) a “rear-end” deal (profits that roll in after above-and below-the-line expenses as recouped), 3) editing input 4) attendance at any film festivals 5) a spiritual advisor and lastly, 6) a “hook-up” with an older male celebrity—handsome; mustache; tall, sexy…. 

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With some hesitation, Mitch, Maynard, and Cherie agree to the deal.   

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Cassie’s rep, Kyle, suggests they “paper the deal” even though Mitch, Maynard, and Cherie think he says, “Let’s pay for the deal.”  

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Soon, all parties meet with an editor. They boss him around. He finally explodes, but earlier cozies up to Cassie. With lips pressed against Fletcher’s cheek, he promises to put her in every scene of the “doc-a-mentary.” 

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They aptly name it, “The Show Can’t  Go On!” 

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They begin looking for film festivals on the ever-popular Movie Driveby website that lets members enter upward to 8000 festivals. They select a few.  They tick off a handful of them out loud—many of which they agree they can’t qualify for: like the “Slate and Clapper International Film Festival,” the “Third Generation Vietnamese International Film Festival,” and “Big Boom International Film Festival,” none of which they believe they can qualify for.  

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Nothing. Until one day, Maynard bolts down the hall to the theater area, where he breathlessly announces to Mitch and Cherie, “We got accepted!” But, to what? They don’t seem to care. They got accepted to…The Matricher Falls 3rd Annual Internationel Film Festival.” They ignore the typo. They don’t care. Nor do they care that they have never heard of the city of Matricher Falls or where it is located. They’re down! Party On! 

When they arrive, they realize it is no Sundance. The town is not known for its films, but is, ostensibly, known for its gravy. 

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The monument sign that welcomes visitors as they drive in verifies that fact. It reads: “It’s the Gravy.” Even Mayor Clifton Radensky verifies that during his opening remarks at the 3rd annual awards ceremony. 

There’s lots of confusion and chaos on the first day of the festival hosted at the Frida Cinema in Matricher Falls: Lanyards have names misspelled or no names on them at all; the step-and-repeat is too small for filmmakers to stand on comfortably, and there is some visible jostling for picture taking; the seminar Director Cherie De Pietro was asked to is to lead—“How to Improvise Your Film” (The Whole Time You’re Shooting It) is botched when the projectionist’s faulty computer system can’t play Cherie’s thumb drive film clips and only four people attend.  

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To make matters worse, the three learn they missed the 2 a.m. screening of their film. Couple that with the fact that the festival team lost the cut for the second screening (the one slated to follow Cherie’s seminar). However, when she provided them with a backup of the film on a thumb drive, it was not compatible with the theater’s technology and the sound skipped like a bad cell phone call.  

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During the awards ceremony the following night, Greta, Estella, Cherie and Cassie were all nominated for Best Actress. None of them win. Estella sports a very bad attitude as she arrives late, citing the breakdown of the bus that she personally had to fix.  Similarly, Maynard and Mitch were also nominated for Best Actor and neither of them won either. Instead, the coveted gravy boat went to Matthew Derby for his not-so-convincing role in the film. “What?”  The loquacious performer stayed way too long on stage as he thanked almost everyone he had ever worked with and the SCGO cast commiserated in the audience, where they finally broke out into a screaming match amongst themselves. Spiritual Advisor Fenwick tries desperately to coach his, client, Cassie, through the debacle. The ATM Awards (which precede the MF 3rd Annual Awards, present yet another disappointment to Ralph Diablo, the theater manager from the De Pietro, when he enters that contest and is nominated for teaching a fish how to whistle in its performance in “Tanked.” 

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The Mumble Gang steal the night by taking home top honors for best song, “Envy You, Envy Me.” As they thank the audience with heaps of gratitude, not one attendee could understand a word they say.  

The red carpet interviews with local K-SCAM radio-television personality, Todd Tillamen, are one of the few proud moments for SCGO cast members, but ultimately result in hard-to-hide disappointment as they chat with Todd and Mitch after the ceremony when Mitch confesses, “I have mixed feelings.” 

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Meantime, the Mayor is getting down on the red carpet for celebratory photos with the four Mumble Gang winners (and asking them for a donation for his re-election campaign), and Todd takes a photo op with the foursome when he asks in declaratory form, “We’re going to spill some gravy tonight, right?”  

There is much confusion before the awards at the After Party, which takes place, before the award ceremony, as it also turns out to be a major disappointment when guests attending that party learn the “before banquet” after the award ceremony is via the concession stand where they are mandated to spend $25 more than their initial $150 banquet ticket in order to get a 15-percent discount on the few offerings at the “meal stand.” 

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It’s not exactly a Hollywood ending, but no one from the SCGO team goes home empty-handed. Maynard steals the Grand Jury Ladle (oversized) Award when It was carelessly left on the sink of the men’s room.  Mitch walks out with Maynard and one of the lovely award winners. Ralph talks festival workers, Larry and Bob, into selling him one of those leftover gravy boats. Greta latches on to two of the Mumble Gang winners. Estella leaves with a new man, not her husband. Maynard, Todd, Bob and Larry quietly deal postcards with the Mumble Gang in the corner, and Matthew Derby has a change of heart for having traded his coveted award for the ATM nominee dog, “Cha-know.”  He gives it back in exchange for his award. And, Cassie, she receives the call she has been waiting for from her “older man hookup” and hurriedly heads out the Frida exit with stiletto heels in hand as she looks for him. And, Cherie? She tells an alleged distributor, Sheldon Stankey, she didn’t win anything. The two have an interesting conversation…she agrees to buy him a drink where they Stankey insists they further their discussion.